Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
