Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize