I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
