So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You left your phone here
Wait...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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