I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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