My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
