Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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