end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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