So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She told me I should be a condom model.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
