apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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