i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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