Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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