I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
