Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
