Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
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