im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
