just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
