dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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