oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize