Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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