You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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