Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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