I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
