I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
