Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
