I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
