A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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