Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize