Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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