Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
