When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
