All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
