he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
