an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
