His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize