Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You pole danced in your parka.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize