Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
