I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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