I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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