anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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