There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize