i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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