After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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