We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
my liver is dry heaving
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
