I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
