Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize