I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
