Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
