Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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