oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The best revenge is premature balding
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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