I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
