He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
