FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
