Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
