I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
