They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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