people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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