3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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