you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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