Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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