Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
