He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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