Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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