You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
