I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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