Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
