Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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