I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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