I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
