he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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